The Most Consistently Funny Movies That Exist (in My Very Honest and Smugly Righteousrom Opinion)

Years ago I had a blog on Myspace. Yes. It was actually quite popular (with my friends). I also had a blogger and a livejournal blog. The blog on Myspace was my most public blog and was much like this blog, but most likely more whiny and complainy. I had met a friend online that I now call Plaintain (it's a long story that includes drunken high-jinx and a plaintain). So, Plaintain and I would email each other all the time over very deep philosophical matters.....like which movies were the most consistently funny that I should put on my blog. Our email stream about the subject became so in depth that we never really finished the list because we couldn't stop arguing over what to keep and what to not keep. For example, he wanted Leslie Neilson movies included. Um, no. I wanted 'Sideways'. He thought it was too morose. I agree now. In my old age.
I probably eventually wrote a blog consisting of the continuously funny movies that we finally agreed upon but I have a bad memory and I want to write it again....except this time, I'm not consulting Plaintain. Take that, Plaintain. Take that.

What would I define as a 'consistently' funny movie?
It has to make me laugh pretty consistently throughout the entire movie. There are many movies that are funny, but there aren't many that keep you laughing like every other minute. THAT is what I'm talking about here, yo.

Why FUNNY movies?
Comedies are my very favorite. I actually got really pissy at a dude a couple years ago when a group of us were looking for a movie to watch and he kept trying to pick these serious, artsy dramas and I kept trying to pick stupid comedies. That part is fine. Everyone has their different tastes. But, then he started ridiculing my taste. Here's the thing. I love artsy, indie films, I just prefer to watch them on my own so I can give them my full attention and reflect. I was in a bad mood that night and I think I said something along the lines of; "I think all day long because I'm so intellectual and I'm definitely more cultured than your little pinky so I don't need to prove myself with indie films...I just need to relax my brain with a stupid comedy - and blah blah some other very bratty stuff. "Yeah....don't worry. I have since apologized for my brat out moment. But, darn it--don't judge my comedy watching!


Now that you all hate me. I will be more pompous by pretending to say I have final say on THE MOST CONSISTENTLY FUNNY MOVIES OF ALL TIME! Enjoy! (in no particular order excepting that The Jerk DOES belong at the top)

1. The Jerk

"This guy hates these cans! There's cans in there too! Stay away from the cans!"

"Naven R. Johnson. Sounds like a typical run of the mill bastard. Die, Naven R. Johnson!"

The Jerk is my very favorite movie of all time. Everything about it is amazing. Almost every single line is hilarious. I die every time I watch it. Die. You probably don't want to watch this movie (or many of the others for that matter) with me, because I know every line and will say them along with the movie....but, I've tried to chill on that.

2. Coming to America

"What kind of music you like?"

"Whatever kind of music you likkkkee"

"Just let your soul glo"

3. Idiocracy

"Welcome to Costco, I love you."

"I supersize with you"

"What I'd do, is just like....like..you know, like, you know what I mean, like..."

This movie is so amazing. It is hilariously true to the way our society is going. Sad if you think about it, but funny if you just go with it. This is not a movie for a stupid person. I've found that they get offended by it/don't understand what is funny."Huh, huh, huh"

4. Half Baked

"I love Butterstuff."

"Yo, I think I'm gonna make a run for it, B"

"I'm not gonna do...what everyone thinks I'm gonna do....which is FLIP OUT!"

"The doctor says I need a backiotomy!"

So many good one liners!

5. Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"Those aren't pillows!"

"You're going the wrong way!!"

It is a tradition in my family that we always watch this movie on Thanksgiving (that and watch the dog show...no sportsball for us). I used to get really stressed out during this movie (and Back to the Future) because I was worried that they were NEVER going to make it home.

6. Bridesmaids

"You read my diary?" "At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book."

"Stove. What kind of name is that?" "That's not a name. My name is Steve"

"Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know so it's 'Surprise, we're going to fight!' We beat the sh*t outta her"

Omg, the scene where Maya Rudolph poops in the street. Gafaawww!!

7. Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion

"Do you have some sort of business woman special?"

"You look so good with blond hair and black roots it's like not even funny"

8. Hot Tub Time Machine

"Must be some sort of.....Hot tub time machine"

"Great White Buffalo"

I saw this movie in the theater on a whim with my sister and a couple of her friends. I had never seen a preview. It was one of those times where you are so FREAKING pleasantly surprised that you just found a new favorite movie. Ugh. I love this.

9. Team America

"You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!"

"I promise. I will never die."

"Matt Damon."

How did the North Koreans not come after us when this came out? I am actually kind of scared to write this.

10. Clue

"He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died, but he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh....you know"

"Oh my, this soup's delicious!"

This was one of my favorite movies as a kid and I definitely know EVERY SINGLE LINE. Beware watching this with me. Lines from this movie pop into my head on a regular basis. The other day, someone had wronged me and I kept thinking, in the voice of Wadsworth to Mrs. Peacock, "Don't you remember your fatal mistake.....You told us at dinner that we were eating one of your favorite recipes, and monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, DC!!"

Didn't quite make the 'consistent' cut, but still notable:

Mean Girls
Easy A
Meet the Parents
Mrs. Doubtfire
Liar, Liar
Can't Hardly Wait
Road Trip
This is 40
We Are the Millers
But, I'm a Cheerleader
The Simpson's Movie
Wayne's World
Austin Powers
Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House
My Man Godfrey
This is the End


I'm sure I'm going to come back and be mad at myself for missing something really good.

The Best Things in LIFE

This blog post was meant to be...... and here is why. I was thinking about how a few years ago a friend/mentor of mine had me write a list of 10 things each day that made me happy/that I loved. It always makes me think of Hall and Oates because 1)I love Hall and Oates, 2)I think in songs and movie quotes and 3)Hall and Oates has an actual list of the best things in life. So, I'm here uploading the pics of my old lists, listening to my shuffled songs on my old ipod and then RIGHT when I'm about to start writing guess what song comes on? 

Of all the best things in life on Hall and Oates' list, YOUR kiss is on it. 

Also, some hilarious internet person made this. Haaaaa

So here is my list of the best things in life:

Cover Songs (Some of Which are Better or Just as Good as the Original)

It's hard to cover a really amazing song and not be criticized for it. I mean, I don't know that personally, because I am not a song writer, but I can imagine it's hard. There are a few gems, however, out there that I think come close. Some of these aren't even close to the caliber of the original, but they have something unique about them that I think is worth noting.

1. Social Distortion's cover of The Rolling Stones, 'Under My Thumb'

I could honestly listen to this song over and over again.

2. Sonique's cover of Screaming Jay Hawkin's, 'Put a Spell on You'

Yes, I like electronica. P.L.U.R.

3. Guns n Roses's cover of Paul and Linda McCartney's, 'Live and Let Die'

I'm gonna say it. Don't kill me. I love and respect The Beatles, but GnR won this one.

4. The Zombies cover of the George Gershwin song, 'Summertime' (also covered by a zillion other musicians) and Sublimes 'kind of' cover, 'Doin Time'

Omg. I love The Zombies so freaking much. Rod Argent probably has the sexiest voice of all time.

Nothing quite catches the sound of summer like Sublime.

5. Yusuf Islam's (Cat Stevens) cover of Nina Simone's 'Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood'

Honestly, it's hard to pick a favorite between these two. I love them both and they both put REAL, PURE emotion in their singing.

6. Chris Cornell's cover of Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean'

The first time I heard it, I was like, "No! Weird!" It grew on me.

7. Otis Redding's cover of The Rolling Stone's 'Satisfaction'

If you don't know already, anything by Otis Redding is gold. He covered many artists and vice versa. See #8

8. Aretha Franklin's cover of Otis Redding's 'Respect'

If I don't stop, I'm going to start listing every time any soul artist covered another soul artist. Love this. And this isn't even her best song. 

9. Van Halen's cover of The Kink's, 'You Really Got Me'

And anytime David Lee Roth gets smooth with the music a la Yacht Rock Episode #9

10. Nirvana's cover of David Bowie's 'The Man Who Sold the World'

Anything that came from Bowie is magical.


A few more:
Soft Cell's version of The Supreme's 'Where Did Our Love Go?'
MXPX version of Bryan Adam's 'Summer of 69'
GreenDay's version of Operation Ivy's 'Knowledge'
John Mellencamp/Meshell Ndegeocello's version of Van Morrison's 'Wild Night'
Rufus Wainwright's version of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah'
The Lemonhead's version of Simon & Garfunkel's 'Mrs. Robinson'
Love Spit Love and TATU's versions of The Smith's, 'How Soon is Now'
Everything Me First and the Gimme Gimmes and really any punk band that wants to cover any song is pretty fine by me


Oh and this:

swooooon

Apps That Make My Life a Little Happier, a Little Easier

There are certain apps that a LOT of people use; Facebook, Google Maps, Instagram, Pandora, etc. I'm not really into games or anything like that. I used to do WordsWithFriends until I realized that my 'friends' were a bunch of cheaters. Now I just buy the good old solid crossword puzzle books from the grocery store and play WordsWithMe. With a pen. A pen. I'm that good. Time me sometime. Anyways, my favorite type of apps are the ones called 'lifestyle apps' in the app store. Apps that serve a purpose to make busy lives easier. There is, of course, a part of me that is very turned off by the whole idea that a technological application that I retrieve from my Iphone which I, like many people, am way too obsessed with, is something that is possibly bettering my life. Is that even possible? Or would the true betterment be to throw the entire Iphone and all it's apps out the window in lieu of real, authentic connections? Meh. I'm not trying to get all philosophical right now. So, here are my very favorite apps besides, you know, the ones that everyone already has:

1. Ku (formerly known as Heyku)

My friends Danae and Migue and I used to sit in the Lockerbie bar years ago and write haikus on napkins and then read them out loud to each other. We would write serious ones, contemplative ones and just plain insane ones. I love words. I love the craft of putting words together. A couple years ago, Migue's sister, Massi and I both found this app around the same time. We've both been on it on and off. You can add haikus to a sort of social media group of other haiku writers. If you are experiencing a block, the app gives you inspiration prompts. You can 'like' and comment on other people's 'kus'. It's is probably one of the most positive and uplifting social media site I've ever used. 

2. Happify

I'm not sure if this one is super popular yet or not, but I think it's really great. An app that actually helps you get happier? Then, it gives  you data that shows that you are getting happier? Kinda cool stuff! The app has different 'tracks' which each have a different set of activities or games that help you reach a certain goal. There are games where you 'knock out' bad thoughts, meditation moments with music and images and prompts to write out promises to help a friend that day. 

3. SleepCycle

I use this app almost every night. You put your phone in your bed with you. It tracks your sleep by your movements and in the morning it wakes you up slowly and naturally. When I only use this app's alarm to wake up (and not also use my phone's alarm because I'm always paranoid that I won't wake up in time), I feel like I'm gracefully awakened. My favorite part of this app is that it charts your sleep during the night and tells you when you went into sleep (REM), deep sleep or were awake.

4. BandsInTown

This app lets you put in your favorite music. It tells you when they will be playing and where in your town. It also gives you recommendations (some that you don't like), but you can turn those off to a certain extent. This app takes out the annoyance of going to different venue sites because it puts everything together!

5. GloBible

GloBible is my fav bible app because they have several reading plans that are preselected verses on various topics. It takes you through them and saves your place if you don't finish all at once. 

6. Digipill

  

Need a sexy voiced dude with a Spanish sounding accent to talk you through a meditation/hypnotism? Take your digipill! There are several different 'prescriptions'. Love it!

7. GoodReads

I'm obsessed with readings. I'm also obsessed with lists. Here is an app where you can collect a list of everything you've read and that you want to read. It also gives you recommendations (not as much as I'd like, in my opinion) and you can add friends and give them recommendations (I haven't quite figured out all that yet nor do I think that I care). I just like the lists.

Just look at my impeccable taste....;)

8. French MindSnacks

I love French. I took it all years in high school and for a semester in college. I hate that I don't get to use the language. When (rarely), I have time to play a game, I get on MindSnacks and play a game that helps refresh (or you learn) my French! The games are fun. The levels you've beat are saved and you can go back through them whenever you want. Give your mind a snack. A French one. A baguette...

9. MyFitnessPal

Okay, yeah....so a lot of people use this now. But, I wish everyone did! This is such a good food tracker. It also has a great graph that tracks how much weight you've lost (or gained). You can like or comment on other's profiles (which doesn't seem to happen too much). This app is a straight forward food tracker. Whether you are doing low fat, low carb or pizza and beer, it doesn't really matter. You put in your food (and can even scan labels) and it tracks the nutritional info. You can also log in your exercise, although I'm not entirely thrilled with that part of the app because it has a scant amount of strength training exercises on it (I use Fleetly for that). 

10. 

I have just newly discovered this app, to the chagrin of my facebook friends. You can add makeup to your face LIVE, without actually adding makeup to your face. I love this for all the times I've wanted to try different looks without having to wash my face ten times in one day. Also, it's fun. And funny. You can even change your face to look like one of those creepy Bratz/Monster High dolls (see below). 

Honorable mentions:

Fandango-all the movies, all the theaters

Evernote-save pdfs in an app!

Fleetly-log your exercise

Buzzfeed-bored?

Bodybuilding-not as good as the website yet ;(

Modcloth-obsess over clothes I probably will never be able to buy!

GuitarTabs-I need to get a new string

CalenMob-combines all your calendars...for the forgetful person who overbooks things and makes everyone mad at them----me.

Reasons Why I'd Like to Travel Back in Time to the 90's

When I was a little girl I was so sensitive that my mother was worried that I wasn't going to make it in the world (by high school, I went the opposite direction and became very angry and cold). But, as a young child, I would cry at the drop of the hat. For example, my grandparents had this ceramic lion in their living room when I was a toddler. I would walk up to it, stick my finger in it's mouth and then cry because 'it bit me'. When I was upset, I was very upset. Histrionic, my mother would say. I also had a wild imagination that I believe suits my profession today. I believed, with all my heart, that I was born in the wrong time period. I think this idea began after I saw an Elvis movie on tv one day when I was about 11 years old. I was enthralled. I became obsessed with oldies music. I listened to the oldies station constantly. Elvis, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry and Diana Ross were my intros into the genre and I've since vastly expanded my library of musical tastes that could fall into the 'oldies' category. Because I was so drawn to this music (and not one member of my family, not even my grandparents listened to it), I believed that either a) I was reincarnated from a person who lived in that time period or b) I was born in the wrong time period. I would cry myself to sleep some nights despairingly that nothing could be done of my great misfortune. It was the romance of the idea that I think I loved. Pretending my thoughts to a reality that wasn't real. I could go on more with that thought...but no...that's not what this is about.

Obvs, I know now...that I wasn't born in the wrong time period. But, I've often thought about time travel. Would I go to the 50's if time travel were a thing? (In the movie, 'Somewhere in Time', Christopher Reeves goes to the Grand Hotel and sees an old picture on the wall of a beautiful woman. He instantly falls in love. He finds out that she lived in the early 1900's. He is so drawn to her that he discovers a way to think himself back in time. He wears all the clothes of the time and spends hours in his hotel room trying to make it back...and he does. They meet. It is beautiful...and then......he pulls a penny from the 80's out of his pocket and he gets sucked back to the future....gasp!!! This is partly why I don't have any tattoos. No. For real. What if I go to the past one day and then I see a tattoo on myself from the future? I don't want to get sucked back like Christopher Reeves did!!) Anyway. I've thought about it...and on a much 'lighter and it's fun to think about it note'...I'd like to actually just go back to the 90's. I mean...not really...but, for the sake of this blog...yeah.

Wooh...big intro.

Reasons Why I'd Like to Go Back to the 90's

1. Evan Dando could sing me 'Into Your Arms'. Yes, I loved grunge and listened to a wide array of music, but there are so many bands that I didn't fully appreciate at the time, but that I listen to now, very nostalgically, that I wish I had spent more time on. Bands like Soul Asylum and Blind Melon and The Lemonheads.

2. The comfy style- friendship bracelets, scrunchies, overalls, flower print dresses, corduroys and of course, flannels......actually, you know what...all this stuff is back in style...I'm going to Goodwill

3. The Economy- ok...maybe it was just because I was a teenager and didn't have bills of my own...but I really feel good ol' Billy Boy Clinton put us in a good place. Money seemed more abundant...I mean...my family never really had money...but the nicest house I ever lived in was in the 90's. I guess there may be some debt. But, to go back and be a teenager. No bills. Work at Noble Romans. Buy comic books. All. Day. Long.

4. The Junkyard, Gadzooks, FutureShock- all the cool stores before lame-o Hot Topic showed up on the scene. Also...'Raving is Not a Crime'

5. The Internet- was new, young and amazing. I have a love/hate thing with technology. It hadn't ruined us yet. It was magic. I remember the first time I got on the internet in 1995. I said to my friend, 'let's go in one of those chat rooms!'. We are still friends with two people we met in that first chat room. One was my high school sweetheart. The other was a girl that lives in Cleveland that we've visited (and vice-versa) over the years.
Does anyone remember 'CollegeClub'? Yeah. That was the Facebook before MySpace.

6. Josta- omg sweet nectar! Oh, how I miss you so. I was once even in an online fan group to bring you back. The stupidest part of it is that they stopped making Josta and Jolt and Surge (which were basically the early energy drinks) because they were had unsafe levels of caffeine, ginseng, guarana,etc. Um.....so, now that we've gone Full Throttle with all these other Monsters of Red Bulls, can we please have Josta back?! I will always remember walking down Virginia Ave from the Sonshine Inn Coffee shop to the convenient store on the corner, for a good old, delicious Josta. Mmmmm

7. When punk went Riot Girl- because when I need to get my angst out, there's nothing quite like Kathleen Hanna screaming that 'We don't Need You!'.  Btw, who's going to see Sleater-Kinney with me in December?!?!?

8. Coffee Houses- No, I mean REAL coffee houses. They need to have old leather couches. They need to be dark and dank and dirty. They need to have the same crew hanging out there every freaking night. The old Abbey. Lockerbie. And later on (not 90's but definitely a nod to the bests parts of a coffee shop, Corner Coffee and Lazy Days). The Abbey had one room FULL of smoke. Their sandwiches were bomb. If you knew there was a party that night, you could meet up there before. If you didn't know if there was a party, you could still go there and find out. Make a new friend. I like real coffee houses for the same reason I like to think about Christopher Reeves time traveling....the romantic, idealistic dreaminess of it all....

I could go on, but I'm not going to go on. This list is good enough for now.

If you would like to simulate going back in time to the 90's, please rent these VHS movies from your local library:

Singles

Airheads

Reality Bites

MallRats

Empire Records

10 Things I Hate About You

Edward Scissorhands

The Bodyguard

How to Make an American Quilt

Clueless

Lost Highway

Can't Hardly Wait

Anything with Winona Ryder

Celebrities That People Have Told Me I Look/Am Like (This One Goes to 11)

I'm sure everyone at some point has had someone tell them they look like someone else. Sometimes it's, 'you remind me of this person I used to know' or  'you laugh just like my friend Joanna'. Then there's the the good old celebrity comparison. While, it can often be construed as a compliment, there are others that may seem not as palatable a comparison.

I have this theory that there are only a certain number of 'looks' in the world. I've tried to research via the web to see if anyone else had the same idea, but I've come up pretty dry. Perhaps this will be an investigation that will produce a new list! 

So, what I was thinking was, while some of these people  you are about to see look nothing like me (and others do), maybe there is something we all have in common. Hopefully, it's not our Howard Hughes-like toenails....

I will try to put them in the order that they were named to me. I make no apologies for the ridiculousness of some of these that look NOTHING like me. In the words of Shaggy, "It wasn't me". 

1. Claire Danes

I added 90's photos of her because this is when people were telling me I looked like her. My So Called Life was huge. I had the same haircut, was 'alternative' (they called us 'freaks', 'Nirvana-people' and 'Nations' at my school) and had loads and loads of teen angst (oh! woe is me!! My life is soooo hard! I'm a teeeeenagerrr!!). All Apologies.....to my Mother. 

2. Betty Grable

I was also a teenager when compared to Betty Grable. I was pretty sure the dude that walked up to me in the mall to tell me that was insane. Okay, okay...he didn't walk up to me. My friend Nicole and I decided that day that we were going to make friends with the nerdiest boys our age that we could find at the mall and hung out with them all day. This one apparently had a thing for silver screen beauties. Betty Grable was actually pregnant in her most famous image....which is why she's showing off her backside. I'm not sure where this boy got the comparison. I do have a backside. I'm not blond, but I might have been at the time because I had dyed my hair platinum back then in an attempt to be more like Gwen Stefani (yeah..) and I definitely did my hair in 50's styles quite a bit. 

3. Molly Shannon

This one made me kind of mad at first because I'm younger than her...but I do kinda see it. Also, maybe it's that I'm the funniest chick you know. :p

4. Naomi Watts

I'm not even putting a second picture. This one is ridiculous. The person was probably on drugs. She is like a 12. In my dreams.

5. Corin Tucker

I have mixed feelings about this. Corin Tucker is in one of my favorite bands of all time (SleaterKinney) and freaking rocks. Looks wise--I see some similarities. Some I like and some I do not like.

6. Pam (from The Office)

I've heard that I look like Pam more than anyone else on this list. I had a boyfriend who was obsessed with her and I kind of almost think that is why he dated me.... She is a pretty average woman for tv (or at least they make her so). But, in real life, she's hot. I'll take it.

7. Christina Applegate

Hahahahahah! Yeah right.  Okay, we have the same shaped face and deep set eyes. That's about it. 

8. Flo from the Progressive commercials

No. Please no. She is so annoying.

9. Overly Attached Girlfriend Meme Girl

I'm definitely not overly attached. Or even attached at all. But, yes. I do look like this girl. Weird.

10. Kimmie Schmidt

Hmmm....another quirky, eccentric, nerdy, socially awkward, kinda cute girl. STOP TYPECASTING ME, PEOPLE!!!!

11. April Ludgate

Okay, I get it. I'm pretty cynical and say 'like' a lot and speak in a very monotoned voice. But, life is hard, dudes. I'm still not quite over the angst...but it's getting better. 

This all reminds me of another one that I almost forgot!

Daria

So, this one time..I was watching Daria and my sister was like, "Ugh...she is so annoying. You're Daria!" to which I replied, "You're Quinn!!" And we both, I think, walked away uninsulted by each other's insults.

As an addendum, I would like to add a list to this list of celebrities that I WISH people would tell me I look like.

Portia de Rossi

Kate from Lost (I've watched the entire show three times and I always forget her real name and I was too lazy to look for it). 

Zooey Deschanel

Let's face it. I'm pretty much Jess from New Girl. My name is Jessica. I'm eccentric, quirky, I teach middle school and I want to date that hot, slacker dude she ends up dating on the show.

Charlize Theron

Jane (but, doesn't everyone?)

This has been way more self-involved than I intended. Please forgive. I hope you enjoyed.